A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she responded back to the minister,
"Mommy can't talk on the phone right now; she's hitting the bottle."

------
TGIF

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall."

------
TGIF

A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister.

Presently it was returned to him...embarrassingly empty. Slowly the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

------
TGIF

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.'

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!

Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

And the man replied, 'I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.'

------
TGIF

And it was so...

'God created the mule,' and told him, 'you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.'

The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, 'You will be Dog, and hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'

And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey, and you shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'

And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.'

And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

------
TGIF

Did you hear about the town's richest man who met with the minister after the Sunday service?

"Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?" complained the man. "I've told everyone I'm leaving half my money to the church when I die."

The minister nodded. "It reminds me of the story about the pig and the cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbors, while the pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked the cow about it.

'How come you are so well liked, cow? People say you're good because you give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that. From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I'm not popular and you are. Why do you think that is?'

The cow looked down at the pig and answered, 'Perhaps it's because I give while I'm still alive.'

------
TGIF

A poor man came into a small town out west and while looking for some kind of help, he went to one of the local churches. He was greeted by the pastor who, when hearing of the poor man's troubles decided to feed and clothe him. Much to the man's surprise, the pastor even decided to provide him with a donkey and some additional items to help him on his journey.

"But", warned the pastor, "I must tell you, that to make the donkey go, you have to say 'Hallelujah' and then to make the donkey stop, you must say 'Amen'. If you remember that, you'll be fine."

The poor man graciously thanked the preacher, mounted the donkey, and continued his journey.

As the sun began to set, he decided to stop the donkey and find a place to rest. But the only problem was, he couldn't remember how to stop the donkey!

The donkey kept going on for another ten minutes or so, until they started to get near a dangerous cliff. Now the man started getting nervous. He tried almost everything to get the donkey to stop, but it would not.

He finally decided to pray to God to save him. He ended the prayer by saying "Amen" out loud, and the donkey stopped just right on the edge of the cliff. Had he waited one second more, he would have fallen off the cliff to his doom.

When he saw that the donkey had stopped, he shouted out in joy, "Hallelujah!"...

------
TGIF

Choosing Hymns

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual and that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in one of the plates. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. He said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the front. The pastor told her how wonderful her gift was and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, I'll take him and him and him!

------
TGIF

Driving through a small Southern town I saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I decided to stop at a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town. I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She responded in annoyance, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

------
TGIF

Fishing Trip

"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong:

First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse,
I ended up catching the most fish!"

------
TGIF

Military Computer

Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.

They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

------
TGIF

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

------
TGIF

Divy It Up

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.

One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

------
TGIF

Reap What You Sow

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

------
TGIF

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class,
"How many of you would like to go to heaven?"
Everyone raised their hands except little Johnny.
The teacher asked him, "Why don't you want to go to heaven?"

He replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am,
but my Mommy told me to come home right after church."

------
TGIF