The Violin

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

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TGIF

Baby Prescription

A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache.

He wrote a prescription for eardrops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

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TGIF

Summer vacation over and little Jimmy was back to school for two days when the teacher calls Jimmy’s mother to say he was misbehaving.

“Now wait a minute,” said the mother, “I had Jimmy with me for the last three months and I never called you when he misbehaved.”

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TGIF

A little girl came home from school and said she was punished for something that she did not do.

The mother exclaimed, “That’s awful, I’m going to call your teacher — by the way — what was it that you didn’t do?

The little girl said, “My homework.”

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TGIF

Alice was not getting very good marks in school. One day she announced to her teacher,
“I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy said if I don’t start getting better grades,
somebody is going to get a spanking.”

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TGIF

Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?

Because you have a short stop between second and third.

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TGIF

A Harley rider was passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into a lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her into the cage. As her parents watch in horror.

The biker jumps off the bike and runs up to the cage and power punches the lion in the nose.
Whimpering from the pain the lion releases the girl and the biker pulls her to safety. The parents are thanking him endlessly.

A reporter seeing the whole thing said to the biker “ that is the bravest thing I have ever seen.

The biker replies ,“the lion was behind bars, I just saw a kid in trouble.

The reporter said, “ this story will be in the New York Times tomorrow.

The reporter asks, “ what do you do for a living?

The biker replies, “I’m a Marine”. The next morning the bikler buys a paper and the headlines reads...

“U.S. Marine assaults African immigrant and steals her lunch.”

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TGIF

A young couple gets married and leaves on their honeymoon. When they get back, the bride calls her mother. Mama asks. “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh Mama, the honeymoon was wonderful and so romantic.”

Then the bride starts crying and says, “as soon as we got back Jim started using the worst language I ever heard.”

Mama says, “what did he say?”

Sally says, “the words are so bad I can’t repeat them.”

Mama say, “Well; what did he say?

Sally says, He used awful four letter words.

Mama frustrated says, Just what did he say? Tell your Mama what these four letter words are.

Still weeping almost uncontrolable, Sally says, “Mama he used words like... DUST, COOK, WASH, IRON...!”

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TGIF

Beef Recipe

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," she replied.

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TGIF

How Was I Born?

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mom, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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TGIF

Name That Baby

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.

Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations.

One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

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TGIF

Macho Dude

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho", and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:

"Say, look at that big bunch of buffalos."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch' but 'herd'."

"Heard what?"

"Herd of buffalos."

"Sure, I've heard of buffalos. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

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TGIF

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,
‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest in the family) said, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

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TGIF

Hunting Prayer

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you
were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

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TGIF

Tight Shoes

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

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TGIF