Trooper Delivery

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago.

When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car.

The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken.

So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."

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TGIF

Letter From Mom

When the husband came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the husband asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it was written:

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

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TGIF

Duelling Barbers

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.

They put up a big bold sign which read:

"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:

"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

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TGIF

Deer Hunting

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a nasty fall and broke both of his legs. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry"

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TGIF

No Speaka Da German

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English.

But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket
inspector on the train.

He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

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TGIF

Guard Dog

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.

As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

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TGIF

Mail Problems

This is a true story, My husband's grandmother passed away and for many months afterwards my father-in-law made repeated phone calls to attempt to stop a company from sending mail to the house for his deceased mother.

In frustration, he finally filled out a change of address card changing her address to the Jefferson Memorial Park where she was laid to rest.
It worked! No more mailings came to the house.

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TGIF

Brain vs Brawn

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

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TGIF

Circus Try Out

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to Morris, the circus impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground landing softly on the toe of one foot.

Morris stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got?

Bird imitations?"

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TGIF

There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service.

One week the preacher preaches on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The song leader led the song, "I Shall Not Be Moved".

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving & how we should gladly give to the work of the lord. The song leader then led the song, "Jesus Paid It All".

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song "I Love To Tell The Story".

The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The song leader then led the song "Oh, Why Not Tonight".

As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week informed the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader then led the song "What A Friend We Have in Jesus".

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TGIF

Driving through a small Southern town I saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I decided to stop at a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town. I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She responded in annoyance, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but can not recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

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TGIF

Fishing Trip

"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong:

First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

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TGIF

Military Computer

Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.

They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

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TGIF

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

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TGIF

Divy It Up

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.

One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and
the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

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TGIF