Hearing Test

A man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, honey?" No response.

He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response.

Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "for the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

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TGIF

A man tired from a late night out is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent inattention and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, 'All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.'

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, 'And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!'

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, 'I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!'

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TGIF

Old Friends

Amy and Jamie are old friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

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TGIF

Poor Widow

A woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make a donation to the church, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for a memorial stone."

The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? Wow, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

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TGIF

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud:

Name something a blind person might use: a sword

Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

Name something that floats in the bath: water

Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

Name something red: my cardigan

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal: mail

Name a number you have to memorize: 7

Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

Name something you put on walls: roofs

Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes

Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

Name a continent: Italy

Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

Name something slippery: a con man

Name a kind of ache: a pancake

Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

Name a potato topping: jam

Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

Name something with a hole in it: window

Name a non-living object with legs: plant

Name a domestic animal: leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee

Name a way of cooking fish: cod

Name something you clean: your sister

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TGIF

Pills

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the Big pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the little pink pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Wow, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

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TGIF

How Old Am I?

A college professor asked his class a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts . . ."

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TGIF

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

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TGIF

Tail Light

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan.

His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist.

"What happened to my boat and trailer?"

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TGIF

Protection

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

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TGIF

What Time Is It?

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger
running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15." The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

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TGIF

Turn Around

A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor .....

"You think we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

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TGIF

Mr. Jones Is History

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it to a practice to visit the classes from time to time.

One day a week, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History.

Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!

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TGIF

Name That Baby

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious.

When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. We couldn't reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"De-niece."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"De-nephew."

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TGIF

Fishy Dinner

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet
for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

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TGIF