A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brain washing that baby?"

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TGIF

Tight Shoes

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the
mans feet.

"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

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TGIF

Color Blind

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.

Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

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TGIF

Sweater Gifts

Although we had recently moved into a new neighborhood, our young son had already made many new friends, ten of whom were invited to his birthday party. When the happy day arrived and he opened his presents, I was amazed to see that eight guests had presented him with sweaters.

Later I visited the mother of one of the boys to explain about the multiplicity of sweaters in the hope that an exchange might be arranged.

She said coolly, "Well, after all, you were the one who wrote on the invitation what you wanted me to buy."

For a few minutes I was stunned into silence; then I realized what had happened. Since the party was being held in our basement, which is always cool, I had written on each invitation: "Please have your child bring a sweater."

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TGIF

Cast Off

An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg.
As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.

Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said.

"I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

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TGIF

A new minister

A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation.
"I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world,"
said the aged one.

"That is a beautiful thought," said the minister approvingly.

"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived 'em all."

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TGIF

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand,
and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?
"He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said,
"And God threw him back down?"

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TGIF

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Terri said.

"But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"

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TGIF

Can You See Me?

I'm a counsellor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults.

Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.

I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.

Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."

Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"

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TGIF

Blah Blah Blah

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

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TGIF

Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand so he HAD to use his left hand!"

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TGIF

Minister:
Do you know what's in the Bible?

Little Girl:
Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.

Minister:
You do? Tell me.

Little Girl:
OK. There's a picture of my brother's girl friend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a pizza coupon.

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TGIF

( This is not funny - but )

Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.

There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized.

The island is a direct representation of hell. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.

Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.

The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it- all.

Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.

Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.

The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.

This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots.

Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN. Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional."

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!

I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!

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TGIF

A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?"

A little boy answered: "My MUMMY says my prayers."

"I see," said the teacher, "and what does your Mummy SAY?"

Replied the little boy: "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

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TGIF